Hopefully this doesn't become an annual thing

Ironically enough, I feel the colder afternoons and nights more strongly now than when I felt them last December, though summer is supposed to be just around the corner.

I really wonder how some people I know were able to get through the same... bitterness (there, I've said it) I'm feeling now. I look at them and they're happy, they're fine. How in the name of strawberry KitKats were they able to last those thirty, forty, fifty years when I'm just approaching my mid- twenties, and I'm borderline suicidal?

On some days (and when sappy events come a-knockin', like ol' Valentine's here, yay) I keep telling myself that I won't cry, but when the night clock strikes eleven, twelve... I'm all curled up on my bed, sobbing, with only my plush dolls to keep me company. Heck, the tears are falling fast even as I'm typing this rant.

My brother in the next room is probably exchanging friendly messages with the teenage girl he met with for his school assignment. When I was that age, getting passing grades and not getting my ass handed to me by my parents was my assignment.

The reading for my Chinese zodiac said that I'm fine with being alone, because it goes with my personality- admittedly, a lot of people would not dare approach a dragon, be it a sleeping one or not.

But why do I feel so empty inside?

I reflect on it, thinking, Maybe it's my personality. No one likes me because I'm too brash, I'm too shy, I'm too aloof. I'm always too everything. Someone on the toy collector forums I'm a member of even commented that "maybe I scare guys off."

So I try and change myself, thinking someone would like the new me.

If I was successful, I wouldn't be typing this.

I've lost count of the number of times the cycle has repeated itself. Is it because of karma? Is it because of the number of times I've seen couples on jeeps, on streets, in shops, and thought, Why does that girl have a special someone, but I don't? She's not as tall as me. Her teeth are more crooked than mine. Her skin is worse than mine. My grades are higher than hers.

But somewhere, in the back of my mind, a thought comes charging through to slap me, humble me. But she's loved by more people.


That usually shuts me up.

It also has the added bonus of bringing out the "bitchier" me or the more "depressed" me, depending on the day of the month. I guess I'm lucky I'm still able to get home in one piece.

...

I'm a little calmer now. I'm glad that I made this post. Hopefully I've released some of my anger onto the keyboard and into my words.

Of, for the love of-

Turn that darn thing off, I don't want to hear "Marry Your Daughter", dognabbit.

As if I haven't had enough of my engaged and married friends on Facebook-

(sighs)

So... I know I'll be bawling again later this night, and that I surely won't be a sight for sore eyes tomorrow morning, but I'll keep on wishing...

... that I won't get desperate enough to make a suicide pact. Pathetic, I know, but I've long accepted that about myself. The "being single since birth" thing? Not yet.

 

 In hindsight, maybe that's exactly the reason why fate doesn't want me to find someone:

Me + Toriumi Kousuke= world overpopulation

Whoops. What I meant was:

Me + a male version of me = world anarchy

So I'm stuck with cats? But I don't wanna be stuck with cats. You can't keep me content with just cats. I can't hug them.


Fate, if I ever get the chance to meet you, I'm going to tear your hair out and sock you a good one or two. Then I'll apologize. Duh.

P.S.
Basta pag ako naging pangulo ng Pilipinas gagawin kong punishable offense ang PDA.